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03 August 2009 @ 02:06 am

I do not know myself anymore.

I cannot help but feel that there are at least two persons sharing my mind... or... the space inside me... and neither of them is me. I've no explanation as to who I am, but neither the weeping wraith nor the outwardly-ordinary ... girl, woman, whatever I might be seen as... is truth.

I do not know where to start looking, or even if I should.

Can I be happy without a way to define the being I represent?
Current Mood: lonelylost
25 May 2009 @ 11:13 pm

I find myself thrown down in spirit, this evening.

Walking with Gwen and Teddy was meant to be a pleasant excursion, and was, until we chanced upon an acquaintance of Gwen's in the park. His name suits him. Savage. He acts like one, under the ability for pretty speech.

I tried to be friendly, as everything in Gwen seemed to hop that I would. I believe her to be fond of him, though I cannot fathom why she should be. I did try. I spoke to him, and to Gwen as though his presence did not trouble me, and yet he needled her so that I could not help but want to get her away. I love Gwen. Surely she is a little bit mine, as I belong to her and would give anything she asked of me, happily. I am of little use for many things, but if I could shelter her as she has always done for me, I would. It is something I always merely... expected... of Tristan, though I loved him for it. Aside from her love, Gwen is in no way beholden to me.

I miss him. I miss him as he was, my brother, ever my shelter and protector. I have learned a great deal of my own care and direction without his guidance, and I am grateful to know it, but there is much I would give to know myself safe in the circle of his arms once more. It is more terrible than any previous nightmare to truly fear him, to know that he is capable of hurting me and seems to feel nothing about such a betrayal. I know that he felt my wrist snap under his hand; he could not but have heard me cry out, but there was nothing in his eyes that night. I would nearly rather that he hated me, for then at least I should have a reason for my pain.

Perhaps that is even worse than fearing him - to not know, to have no cause, no reason for this change in him, when he seemed always so steady before. It is something I have worried over in myself for as long as I can remember; I know that I am unlike other girls my own age... I always have been, and with Tristan's acceptance, I never minded overmuch that others found me odd. Gwen, too, embraced me as I was, and accepted that I was important to Tristan - I feel I could not help but love her, as genuinely wonderful as she has been since our first meeting.

Which thought only returns me to the fact that I greatly dislike this Jonathan Savage, and I hope, though I fear it shall not be so, that Gwen should end her dealings with him once their Auror-client link is satisfied. He is mean, merely for the sake of being so, and I cannot abide mean people, especially when he insists on being so toward Gwen, who is the good in my life now.

I want my life back. I do not know how to live in this one.
Current Location: White Chapel, Leeds
Current Mood: sadupset
01 December 2008 @ 10:03 pm
I never knew I could love another person as much as I have always loved my brother, but coming home and having Gwen there feels just as right. She carries a warmth I've not felt from anyone else, and wraps me up in herself whenever I need it, or even if I just want to be near her. She loves me and doesn't fear saying it, though I imagine few enough beside Trist, myself, and her own brother have ever heard such from her. As from Trist, it only makes the voicing mean more.

Nothing is yet certain, but Joscelin and I have done a bit of plotting, and with a bit further I believe we shall engineer a wedding. Trist and Gwen will have the lives they each deserve, full of love for each other and the family they'll make. The chimes of invisible laughter in the halls of Ivy's Run shadow me when I am at home... a little girl, at least. Gwen shall be the fiercest of all mamas, but no less soft and loving for it, I think.

Trist has made no mention of the visit we always pay to our own mamá at the holidays, and I wonder whether he means not to take me, or perhaps not to go at all himself. He was terribly cross with her at my birthday, and he is certainly stubborn enough to stay away yet. I think myself still not quite vicious enough to say that she deserves such; he is her only son, and I imagine she loves him as best she is able.

There remains only a term of school before I shall leave it forever, and for once I feel a flicker of direction along with my anxiety. I had not though to persue my music as more than a hobby, and still I feel no calling to the symphony, but I have made inquiries into a wizarding music education institute in Britain, and I suppose I may only wait to read my experience with the idea. Trist, for his part, seems rather pleased.

I imagine he should be... he'll be married soon, among other things.
Current Location: Beauxbatons School, France
Current Mood: lovedwarm

I nearly hesitate even to mention it, as I am wary of ruining my progress, but I have been sleeping. It seems almost as though my reflection ought to be more solid now, as I am more than the too-thin ghost of myself that has been present these past several weeks. I cannot even say that I have returned to myself, for I believe this is the most I have ever truly lived with my person. It is both wholly strange and surprisingly comfortable. This person that I apparently am is intriguing, though I do wonder if others have met her before I realized her existence. Perhaps I shall ask Tristan.

Some of my time with Vanessa has been spent discussing my future, a topic for which I increasingly feel I am missing a quantity of necessary research. I am not unintelligent, nor do I lack talent, but I still find myself with little to no concept or vision of my life after school. I had thought to follow something highly academic - Runes research or translation, but I seem not to know myself anymore, and this new inhabitant is rather uncertain of her aims. Vanessa seems to think this is normal.

I look forward to seeing Joscelin again; my owl was quite well-received, and he mentioned intention to visit. Tristan was reliably unenthusiastic about amending my list of allowed visitors, but did fulfill my request. I shall have to be especially sweet to him in return.

It hurts a bit, to still be so close with Luc when I know I must give him up eventually. Sooner rather than later, truly... I worry, too, that his keeping hold of me, for now, might prevent him from persuing someone who could be a proper wife to him, as he will need, but he assures me that such is not the case. Perhaps it is terribly selfish, but I am nearly able to will myself to believe him, despite the faint ache of anticipated separation.

I am no less a fool than anyone else.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
05 October 2008 @ 01:05 pm

I only left my bed once this week, that I know of. An improvement, although whether from sheer exhaustion or the handful of conversations I've had with Vanessa, I cannot yet say. I couldn't speak truthfully that our visits are easy - she asks few questions, unlike the man I was sent to as a child, with his incessant needling and demands until I felt I ought to have emerged with bruises, but that leaves me to talk, and I am never quite sure where I ought to begin, or where my thoughts may end up. She is patient, though.

I met a friend of Tristan's last night. A woman, so I'd thought not to enjoy the evening, as, save Gwen, I'd yet to encounter any woman in his attention who treated me much differently that his owl, or a pet dog, were he to have one. (I believe I should like to have a dog around; perhaps I shall ask as a school-leaving gift. I adore Lily, my bunny rabbit from Gwen, but she isn't the sort of pet that can follow me about companionably, as a dog, or perhaps an exceptionally social cat, might.) Miss Romilda Vane, auror, is surprisingly rather agreeable, and seemed genuinely pleased to hear me play. I find that I am glad to have offered and done so.

She is evidently acquainted with Gwen's brother, Joscelin. I think I shall make so bold as to owl him to say hello, as we've not met since Gwen's birthday, and I should very much like to see him. Even though I can scarcely breathe

I dreamt this morning that there were children in our house; small, earnest laughter in the halls of Ivy's Run. I doubt they've spoken much of it, yet, but Trist will be a wonderful Papa when it is time. I won't be his littlest one anymore, but I think by then I shant mind so much. It is beyond and below me to grudge any small thing of their making... I must only try to be a very good auntie. (I'm afraid whatever children they may have will be terribly spoiled, but I imagine there are worse things.)

Seeing them together still makes me feel a bit like glowing inside, almost the way their lights mingle when they are close and unmasked enough to allow it. Just thinking of that beautiful, warm calm makes me smile... I want to know that sort of love one day... to be sure of it above all things. For now, though, I borrow and share in their peace. I am content to know his happiness, and see it each time I see him.
Current Location: Ivy's Run
Current Mood: happyhappy
23 September 2008 @ 10:36 pm

I find my environs somewhat lonelier than that to which I have accustomed myself at school. I have Luc, and he is, as ever, the most darling of fellows, but aside from the girls I've made acquaintances of in the past several years, to whom I could not consider myself particularly close, I have arrived at a juncture where there are few around me in whom I may confide, or even simply engage in a conversation. Perhaps I am merely terribly spoiled now by all the doting lavished during the summer months, but I rather wish for a girlfriend with whom all the daily little secrets might be shared.

I fear Gwen's presence may have made me social.

A vast portion of my evenings are spent with Luc, naturally, and while not all of our time is verbal, as he's quite gifted in coaxing me to doze on him, we've had a number of talks, and I believe I am painting the outline of my portrait in this year, and will continue to see it appear as I make my way through time. Luc will be expected to marry when he leaves school; his family is very nearly as small as my own, and as the heir and male head of his mother's household, he must create security for her and his sisters. I am not ready to marry, nor do I expect to be, even when I've finished with school in June. Even were I, I am not material for a wife for him, fond as I may be. I have no concept of managing a household, of keeping my own and a family's affairs, and he shall need someone who is capable of both. We've agreed to continue on as we are, for now, comfortably, with the mutual understanding that June, should nothing change by then, shall be our parting. I am not wholly content with this, but calm. I will miss him.

This Friday past, I may have met the head healer counselor, as she insists, that I will continue seeing. She is very... solid. It is comforting, and she struck me as quite open-minded, which I imagine will be necessary, as only occasional segments of my own mind are regimented in a way that other people understand. I've not ever known what it is that makes my thinking so difficult to follow; perhaps it is another of my locks to be found, that a key might be hunted. If I return, I am to call her Vanessa.
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Current Location: Beauxbatons School, France
Current Mood: calmcalm
22 July 2008 @ 05:42 am

Something isn't right.

I found myself in the solar just now, as I did yesterday, very early, and I know I didn't fall asleep there either night, as I remember kissing Trist and Gwen goodnight at my door before I went to bed.

He'll be upset, if I say something... If I'm sleepwalking again, something is wrong, as it was when I was little. I don't know why. I'm not troubled about anything that I know; even thinking of Mamá doesn't hurt me terribly, as I have my tiny family and we are happy. Perhaps there is something, and I'm only missing it because I look out from inside. I ought to tell Tristan, though I loathe the idea of bringing him down... he's stopped looking so terribly old and worried as he did for such a long time, and I know I'll break it, somehow. I always do

When it's light properly, I need to think on sending a few owls out; I've a bit over a month left of summer holidays, and I've hardly seen anyone or anything but Ivy's Run since we returned from Greece.

Bunnies Lily is very sweet, but she can't quite look as though she understands me. I don't mind.. she's good company, but I think when I leave school I shall ask if I may have a cleverer pet, as well. Kneazles always look just as if they know what troubles a person...
Current Location: Ivy's Run
Current Mood: worriedworried
26 June 2008 @ 09:09 pm

I'm exhausted, but so happy I don't mind a bit. Our holiday has been perfectly lovely so far, and I almost wish we never had to leave, except that I'm sure I'd begin to miss Ivy's Run quite soon. I do love being at home, too, so long as Tristan's there.

Gwen as well, really... it seems to be her place now as much as it's ours, and I couldn't be more pleased if I tried. I think I've seen Tristan smile more in the last week than the whole of our past several years together... real smiles, and he came shopping with us yesterday voluntarily. I think he doesn't mind knowing Gwen is changing clothes when we're trying things on Walking about with Gwen is great fun... she knows about everything, or has a story or opinion or something to share.

I saw I caught them kissing yesterday... their door was open partway, though usually they're very good about closing it, and I'd gone to ask about supper, and they... I know not to watch, as I imagine Trist would be quite cross with me, but... They kiss as though they'd pour in through one another's mouths and take over completely, Gwen especially, as if... I can't explain it, really. Almost as if she's trying to drink him.

I want to be kissed like that someday.

Dorus says I'm to dress for supper. I think we're going to the waterfront district again tonight, and I suppose I ought to listen, as my swimsuit and sundress aren't quite appropriate attire. (Though very comfortable... I wish it were ever warm enough to dress this way at home...)
Current Location: Greece
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic

In two weeks' time I shall be home for the summer! I love school dearly, and I shall miss Luc, but more than anything I long to be at Ivy's Run with Tristan. It's been our chief time together since I began at Beauxbatons, and I would trade it for nothing.

This summer will be a bit different, I think, as Gwen will be there as well. If it were anyone else I should be terribly upset, but I love Gwen, and Tristan is ever so much happier with her around. It would be odder by far to have the house empty of her, now, than it will to have her with us. I think even the elves would miss her. When Tristan isn't there to hear, Dorus calls her "Master's Gwen". I can't imagine that either of them would appreciate the title, but it makes me smile.

Mamá won't see me anymore. She sent word last weekend. I was upset, when the owl arrived, but I suppose I can't even pretend surprise; I well know she's never been very fond of me. She wrote that I'm still to come with Tristan at the holidays, but perhaps I'll ask him if I may not. Not to be spiteful, but visits to Rouen could not ever be described as pleasant for me, and it stresses Tristan so to have to be polite to Mamá's friends when he sees my feelings are hurt. I know she considers me a great trial, but it is one thing to know such and another entirely to have all of her company know it. I cannot help having been born.

Even if I would not, if I could.

I do wonder what surprise Tristan has planned for my birthday this year. Of course, I shall never know until he decides I may, but it always is something singularly lovely, as he is very thoughtful in all things.

I ought to sleep... Luc will frown at me if I nod off on him while we're revising tomorrow. I can't help it, he's warm.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
08 May 2008 @ 12:06 am

Luc kissed me.
Current Location: Beauxbatons School, France
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic