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I feel alternately wasteful and guilty starting a new book when I've barely been writing to Tristan, but I can't very well write about him and Gwen, or any number of other things, in a book that he's going to read. And I know he doesn't really want to hear about Luc, though he's wonderful and would listen anyway, and I need to put it all somewhere.
I don't have the energy to write everything I wanted to, now, and I detest lists, so I suppose most of my wanderings shall have to wait.
Thinking of seeing Gwen at breakfast still makes me smile. I love her dearly already, and I do hope she'll stay. I've never wanted anyone to, before, and I know Trist has known it, and let me have my way. I don't like my guilt for that... he deserves to be happy more than anyone I've ever known. He is everything good of mine, and he could have my happiness, all of it, if he were to ask. I'd not have any without him. I hope she stays.
I don't know what I'm doing with Luc. At all. Being around him is lovely... he's a perfect gentleman and I can never quite decide if that's pleasant or if I'd rather he very much weren't. Half the time it's soft and calm and chatting, and I enjoy that... we sat in front of the fire forever last night (he's a very nice pillow), and I'm not sure we said twenty words together the whole time, but it didn't matter. The other half, though... it's not the same as certain other persons, but that's for another time... he'll look at me for just a moment and I can feel my blood move faster, and it's everything in me just to hold still. I'm still not sure which I prefer, or if I even can prefer one.
I'm going to sleep. Perhaps light will bring sense, though I daren't hope too earnestly, as it's yet to happen.
I don't have the energy to write everything I wanted to, now, and I detest lists, so I suppose most of my wanderings shall have to wait.
Thinking of seeing Gwen at breakfast still makes me smile. I love her dearly already, and I do hope she'll stay. I've never wanted anyone to, before, and I know Trist has known it, and let me have my way. I don't like my guilt for that... he deserves to be happy more than anyone I've ever known. He is everything good of mine, and he could have my happiness, all of it, if he were to ask. I'd not have any without him. I hope she stays.
I don't know what I'm doing with Luc. At all. Being around him is lovely... he's a perfect gentleman and I can never quite decide if that's pleasant or if I'd rather he very much weren't. Half the time it's soft and calm and chatting, and I enjoy that... we sat in front of the fire forever last night (he's a very nice pillow), and I'm not sure we said twenty words together the whole time, but it didn't matter. The other half, though... it's not the same as certain other persons, but that's for another time... he'll look at me for just a moment and I can feel my blood move faster, and it's everything in me just to hold still. I'm still not sure which I prefer, or if I even can prefer one.
I'm going to sleep. Perhaps light will bring sense, though I daren't hope too earnestly, as it's yet to happen.
Current Location: bed, the East tower, Beauxbatons School, France
Current Mood: 
confused
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